.:a sUdDeN sLiP:.

it’s 3:23 am

and still I can’t fall asleep..
all my roommates had driven into their deep dreams..one even laughed in the middle of his sleep
but I still awake..everytime I close my eyes..so many things in my mind begin to be picturized…that I felt so horrible about it I had to open my eyes and constantly stare at the ceiling

I look up at the pile of papers next to me..in another two days,I’ll be facing my biochemistry examination..the objective part with 509 questions in the list..sucks!!! i’ve been bugging my head into it for almost three days, and still I only managed to read until the 3ooth question (overall there are 590 questions)

was it ever the right decision that I choose to be a doctor?
did I choose it for myself, or simply to make everyone else happy?
these are the typical questions I heard from new med-students…well, u know the pressure during the first few terms..it’s so stressfull u think u rather doing laundry for all your life instead of becoming this one…(why I use "laundry"??? cause I hate doing laundry..and still..I need to do it)

ok..this is too dramatical..I even hate myself for typing this one..but I dont know where else I could speak my heart out loud

I looked back to the past few years in my life..and suddenly I miss everything back

I miss the companionship of my school friends..the good ol’ days..that doesnt mean I dont have friends here…but here people are too busy to do the friends-stuff things…I dont know what else we’re doing rather than studying…ok, of course sometimes we did hang out..but it felt soo "fake"..like "we had to do it if we want other people to see us as human"

to some extent I think Karl Marx was correct when he said.."the estrangement by society would lead the individual to lose his essence..that is ..his personality"
perhaps because now everyone keep racing in their life..they always want to be better from others…and it saddens me to see it manifestated even during our course of study…I mean, what’s with the people who could not spent even 5 minutes to help their fellow coursemate in solving some stuff they can;t understand..

ok..I had dragged this bullshit too long…still there’s a lot in my mind

(dear readers…feel free to leave this blog cause I warned u..u’r really going to spend u’r time uselessly..nowadays, who would spent the precious 5 minutes to listen to others bullshits??? –p/s:I do..)

those who had watched the movie "angels in America"..and if U could recognise the character Joe..I would want to say that somehow the character reflected some part of me
to some extent, I was (and maybe still am) in that situation..u know..when u feel trapped between doing what u want to do….and to live up to others expectations..
He is a good guy..he lives a good life..he close to God…he married..he is hardworking..
but he did it all just to ignore some part of himself, which he knew, if it will ever be revealed….that will be the end

for so long had society being so prejudice to his inner side…that he afraid to live the life he wish..and he sacrifice all his wishes just to live up the expectation of the surrounding society (which rarely even care for his existence)

one day he gathered up all his strength, and then walked out the closet…and just like he expected…he’s finished..his wife gone..his mother hated him..and he got to know that his father never even loved him

for all the time society had abandoned him…
and for all the destruction upon him caused by this abandonment…
and in the end ..the society offered him what??? death….
we should sue the bastard..

I felt sorry for him..and even more for people around him who could not understand ..even with the precious gift God ever made for human..the mind..

I miss the time when people would stop to listen..and when they offer a hug to comfort..when they have time to share u’r sorrow..and when they dont expect anything from u..
but now I feel like I want to laugh at myself…cause I;m missing for something that would not exist…and perhaps..it never did..

p/s: "I’m not in any way in the same role of the character Joe…I just in the same situation as him when I had to decide between what I really want..and what the society want"

This entry was posted on Monday, June 6th, 2005 at 5:04 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.