.:a sUdDeN sLiP:.

Buenos to all !!!

hahha, am posting this via my hostel in Roma.

And ROme is great..well isnt that great compared to Madrid I suppose, but my Italian sogno is still far from end, with Venice and Milan come afterwards

While the Colosseum, Pantheon, the Main Street and Gucci proves to be extravaganze,one  cannot ignore the aroma from the small pizzeria and the amazing pistachio gellatio (an ice-cream actually)

and our hostel located near the main train station (Termini) and a halal food restaurant just around the corner !!

but  everything has it drawback I suppose. Its raining cats n dogs here, and while all of us had adapted to the Russian cruel winter, we still freaking freeze in the chill wind from the Palatine hill of Rome.

Ok, till here..cant post more, cause people are lining up to share their experience with their loves one too

ttnw!! (tatafornow)

"VEILED HEART"

A quick reminder to reader :
For the consecutive times, this post, which I intended intimately to keep to myself, (although I have written it few hours ago) spurs out from the friendster database to be published here.

As u scroll this post downward, keep in mind please that this is MY BLOG,which automatically make it a shrine for me to express myself out. So really if u dont like the sound of this, u better stop reading now, and go do whatever it is that you want to do…

ok..warning ended here…now its time for me to rantle and ramble..

Dear XXX (attn: not a porn star),

I cant help myself but get annoyed when I understand that although we did have our "little talk", you still failed to see the point of the whole thing and where this thing would be going.

People talk. U have to lived with that. If u dont want people to talk about u, go contemplate yourself somewhere deep in the jungle, or cave for that matters. SO, bear in mind that we actually live in a community, who loves to talk, and which is not that weird giving the fact that "U did the same thing too"..
However, most importanly is WHY PEOPLE TALK ABOUT U (and then somehow associated it with me). In malay phrase "kalo takde angin, masakan pokok bergoyang" - which is not 100% accurate since somebody can always shake the tree. OK, back to my point, ..people dont JUST talk. They talk when they have something to talk about. Apparently, sometimes you failed to see that the reason people talk perhaps comes from your own cause. OK, I know you will deny this fact - but that is so typical of u…so I’d live along with that.

To my next point then, is WHAT WE DO WHEN PEOPLE TALK. We know we cant stop people from talking. Its like impossible (though u can always stitch their mouth up with one of those cat-gut winded interrupted stitch u learn in surgery). But when people talk, u can choose to believe, and pick sides…or u can choose not to believe, and investigate first, and then contemplate the cause n meaning of why people talk. Then whenever u take sides, pick ur sides carefully, cause you might hurt someone …oops…rephrase that ..u already hurt someone..
See?? the point is not really about people talking. What hurts more is to know THAT YOU BLINDLY TRUST THEM AND DISTRUST ME. I was your friend for God-sake you jackass, so to put me into such inferior level as a distrust people is actually kinda big mess…

Which goes to my next point that I HAVEN’T HEARD A SINGLE WORD OF APOLOGY COMING OUT FROM YOUR MOUTH for doing that. Why the hell that u have such a God-complex that u are too egoistic to apologize for what u have done?? If u hold true to your word that "u’re going to take responsibility for every action that u made"..then, this is one of it!! U hurt me, be responsible for that !! I couldnt help the fact that "u heard things from people and thats why I come to believe it"…for God-sake , stop pointing the errors to everybody else except from yourself. You did a mistake too by "NOT COMING TO ME AND ASKED WHAT THE HECK IS REALLY GOING ON"…..so, figure that out!!

Its not about everybody else….its not even about our community that bothers me. I lived in this community longer than u, and I co-exist with it perfectly. So far, it had been one of the perfect community I had ever lived with.I had no grudge towards other people whatsoever. So, yeah, the problem is between us!! so lets not involve anybody else in this mess, ok??

Now, do something about this…quoting from u (which I have translated ) " sitting there with u’r as doing nothing as if u are not even responsible for what happened, and morever without the littlest bit of guiltness"..hey, take that back to u, since in my opinion, you are the one who is doing so….maybe not to everybody else, but sufficiently for me..

And for my last point, if there’s anything, or anyone that need to be saved here….I figure, it is not the community, or other people, or whoever…..YOU ARE THE ONE WHO NEED TO BE SAVED…..

So…save your ass out from this mess, and do it yourself…

I rarely get mad at people, but for what u did, I bet my ass out I’m so mad at you right now..

Period.

5.27 a.m.., 18th January 2007 in Volgograd..

In an operating room somewhere in the world,a surgeon is doing his best, irrigating all the purulent foci from a patient’s affected liver. After the peritoneization of liver, he carefully and hermetically apply the "liver stitches" ensuring that the ligation will achieve its hemostatic aim…..

While at the same time..
In Room no 84, VSMU Medical Hostel, a medical student woke up with the most horror dream - which yet to become a reality. Its examination day for Topo Anat n Operative Surgery today..In his left hand, there’s still the lecture notes about history n development of the Surgical Department. Within seconds ,his eyes became myotic, due to the flashlight from the table-lamp switched on during the whole night.

hahaha…dramatic starter I guess

But the exam session got to be more dramatic later on. We’ve decided to enter the exam hall quite later, since there’s so many people lining up, and I hate when somebody cut the line in front of me without the ting of guiltness ever.

While me n zamir still discussing the collateral circulation of the shoulder joint, we heard the most "annoying" voice somebody could ever heard in Volgograd.

Dmitriy Nikolaevich, our filled-with-God-complex dean approach the examination hall,took a seat beside the examiner, and aristocraticly, become (or pretend to become) the one in charge for the whole exam session (makan hati jer Sailormoon tgk)

To hear his flat-unemotional tone is actually enough to get you the feeling of a butterfly in your stomach (I never could understand that actually..) but to hear him asking questions, and being mean for reviewing people’s last examination result in their Zachot book, - can actually cause you to have an acute peritoneitis.

And then there’s the new lecturer (I dont know her name) who is the most "schematous" (quoting from my frens not a right adjective though) lecturer in the whole world !! I mean…u have to start describing the appendectomy procedure ffom "Patient lay on the operating table" …Give me a break!!! is there an operation where the patient stand up while being infused with narcotic???

My answer wasnt that great actually. BAd luck I guess, I dont get the questions I preferred. "Bolee menee" I think it can get worse, but my lecturer seems keen to give me an excellent mark. I hope I did deserve it…cause u know, it doesnt feel good if u know that u got that mark just for kissing your lecturer ass (attn: Not mean that literally!!)

However I would like to take up this small space here to thanks all my frens (viva Le frats du KKM..ahahha)  n family who wished me luck before, Haneem especially for lending me her notes for months !!, my lecturer(s), and those who helped me get through all this stuff…and congratulations too to all my frens out there.THe mark really is not a measure for man, for his value lay rest on his knowledge n faith.

10 minutes of rambling over…my palpebra (eyelid) already squinting, acknowledging the fact that in less than 3 days, I will have to face the "Black WIdow" for my ophthalmology paper..

Keen to get to know Black Widow????
In Cinema nationwide, starting on 22nd January…
dont miss it out!!!

Everytime a surgeon made an incision on the skin, he had to make sure that he cut "neither too superficial, nor too deep"

Cut it too superficial - and people might lose confidence on you. Moreover, it will take a longer time to finish the operation.

Cut it too deep - and u might injure a neurovascular bundle beneath it, leaving your patient either in deep hemorrhage, or worse yet, a palsy or paralysis.

For the reason above, many of us had the irrational fear to hold down the scalpel and made that first incision. The universal guide "neither too superficial, nor too deep" sounds so relative, and thus, it relay to the surgeon only instinct (and experience) to determine how much pressure should he put on the scalpel.

And for that matters, each of us had our own irrational fear I guess. Some people had an irrational fear of cat / dogs (read: me), the doubt to try something new (read: not me), and even worse, one might have an irrational fear to try one of those "siput sedut" in case his/her tongue got stuck inside the shell (read: ok, that’s me), and some people had an irrational fear to talk about their bowel habit (see the cartoon above)

However, for this particular moment, without cat,dog,siput sedut, nor constipation by my side, my heart still beat faster than normal, epinephrine being pumped when it isnt needed, and in the end of the day, I have a lethargy of an athlete who trained for cross-country marathon.

Well, who could deny what exam pressure can do onto each of us??At least I managed to face it well with "me occasionally shutting my brain off and fly to my "happy place". Problem is, sometimes the journey which I thought gonna take only 10 minutes, stretch itself apart for the long 2 precious-hours journey.:)

I’m gonna face my first paper this Thursday - a test of how well I understand the poetic lyric of human body anatomy, of how well I dissolve myself into the rhythm of each heart beat, and to test my upper limit on how well I understand the scattering path of mysterious nervous system inside human body.

And without any light to help me through the eerily-dark body cavities, I’m not sure whether I can get out from there. Of course, the effort of trying to memorize each n every pathway inside a human body seems like a logical solution, but hey, even Michael Scoffied had to tattoo his whole body for the way out from the prison.

But one thing does help me uplift my already low self-esteem. Its the comfort knowing that your friends is by your side, and you’re not going into the body cavity ALONE. There’s always a hand by your side whom you can grab each time you slipped down the slippery Omentum Major….and someone will always pull you out each time you fell down into one of those pouch within the peritoneum.

And so, though all of us had our own irrational fear, I can gladly tell you, that we dont have to face it alone…

Chin up !!!! Let’s beat the hell out of this!!

Statistically, an experienced surgeon still will encounter 20% of Hypothyroidism and 15% case of Recurrent Hyperthyroidism along his career.

Strangely enough, an unexperienced surgeon will encounter such complication by 22% and 20% respectively

And so, we can conclude that after those whole year of experience, we do get a little wiser by a mere 2 %

Really, this phenomenon can be projected in our daily life as well. Contrary to popular belief, experience rarely made us any wiser

Take me as an example, after 4 years stuck in medical school, I am experience enough to know that by this point, with 7 days left before my first paper of Operative Surgery, I will not going to finish my revision if I dont give my 110% effort dedicated solely to studying….

However, I am not wise enough to restrain myself from typing this post…

Yet, my 2% share of wisdom is dedicated to miscallenous preparation for exam (which unfortunately exclude "sparing more time for study").
They include:
1. Stocking up my ice box with fresh fruits (since Fructose can give a quick supply of energy, and doesnt predispose for Diabetis Melitus)
2. Hiding my "sinful box" of chocolates and confectionaries behind the pile of boks, promising myself that I’m gonna grab that in case of extreme lethargy and an absolute indication for "Glucose transfusion per os" to prevent shock.
3. Bought another packet of reverse sugar. No, i didnt have DM, and Im not watching my weight either. its simply because sachharin disolve 0.2s faster in my mug of midnight tea/coffee compared to ordinary sugar. Imagine if I took 10 tablets per day, that 2 extra seconds I can spent for my revision !!!
4. Put an extra budget for stationary and files. Good for arranging my notes. But, it will prove to be difficult to open that folder each time I need to refresh my memory on collateral circulation of extremities. So, after spending a gran 500rubles, most of the files still stuck under my desk, and on top of the desk, is a pile of papers, notes, pens, pencils, and…uh…..is that erasers or the left-over sandwiches crumbs I made 5 days ago??

See??? I’m 2 % wiser now

Now…now…where did I hid my sinful box??

An ignorant surgeon who left a small piece of gauze inside a patient abdominal cavity will get his ass kicked real hard during the M&M (morbidity & mortality) conference.

But,he still can stand up high after tremendous destructive-criticism (which surprisely culminated well in healthcare profession) being thrown at him for a continuous 2 hours.

What he couldnt stand up to..is the feeling of guiltness when the patient contracted a peritoneitis, and eventually died due to his ignorance…….

The short commentary above is a medical equivalance about how our daily life is going on..(a better starting line I think than my previous post)

Even to this day, I couldnt understand how some of us can stand to people who is obviously ignorance to the mistake they made.

1. I totally can stand up to those who made mistake (because all of us are human, and its a human nature to do mistakes, I does mistake every single time in my life)…..

2. I can even stand up to those who made mistake, not apologizing about it, but at least feel bad about it.

3. What I couldnt stand up to, is those who made their mistake, stayed ignorant about it, doesnt feel a lil’ bit bad about it, doesnt care to those whom it may harmed onto, and obviously doesnt feel the right to apologize, and in turn, projecting people "dislikeness" onto him as a "they-dont-understand-me" attitude that happened to be in everybody except for him

Ok, mumble-jumble, and u might not get my point..so here is my medical equvalent again..

In case no 1 above, a surgeon made an error during the surgery. Patient died. He felt regret about it. He reported it to the chief, and face the family of the deceased with honour, knowing that he made a mistake, but anybody could make that mistake too. So he faced the family, apologizing, and ready to face the consequences. In this situation, I could rest assure that the hospital management will stand behind his back during trial in court of law. This is a type of people I can tolerate.

In case no 2, a surgeon made an error. PAtient died. He didnt face the family, stating that the death occured due to his error. He faced them, saying that he had tried his best, but eventually, there;s nothing more that he could do. He didnt even reported it to the chief,and nobody else knew it was his mistake. But when he went back to his home, he REALLY felt BAD about it, and although he know he cant undo things back, he is determined to CORRECT THE MISTAKE so he didnt REPEAT THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN. Even this type of people I can tolerate, because God knows how many mistake we had made, but the failure itsels doesnt rest on the mistake itself, but rest on how well we get up from the mistake we made.

In case no 3, an ignorant surgeon (who obviously too lazy to made a little refreshment course before doing the surgery) made an error. Patient died. Everybody else saw the mistake he had done. He faced the family, saying that he had done his very best (liar!! u can do better if only u had took the time for the refreshment course), but its a fate that the patient are going to die. The family members cried, thinking that the death of their loved ones is inevitable. The surgeon walked away happily, doesnt even had a little impact in his heart. Tomorrow, he’s going to do his "junky things" instead of taking a refreshment course..why?? because the night after the operation, he went home, open the refrigerator, took out some food and drinks, and sat happily in front of the TV. He DIDNT FEEL BAD ? SORRY for the mistake had done, and thus, DOESNT HAVE THE DETERMINATION TO CORRECT IT, TO BE BETTER. Eventually, he’s going to repeat the SAME MISTAKE over and over again, and a lot of people can either get hurt ..or died….
So, do you expect the hospital administration to stay behind the type 3 surgeon??? However good he was, but if he is that inhumane that he didnt feel a lil bit of ting of regret …..how could we stand up to this kind of surgeon??

In life, people tend to be divided into one of this 3 type of surgeon.
Ask ourselves, which type of surgeon are we?
and for God-sake if we fell to the 3rd type..what can we do about it??

Obviously, if u’re the 3rd type..you have two options:

i) Kill the author of this article for putting up this post and reveal your little dark secret..and continue to be the 3rd type surgeon
ii) Pick, and directed yourself to be either the 1st, or 2nd type of surgeon. Newsflash, u can start by feeling sorry about what u had done….

And a little notes to the hospital administration too…
If in your hospital,there’s happened to be such surgeon…am I the bad guy here? for typing up this post and made it clear to everyone that he had some bad side of him that need to be corrected???
Or is "the surgeon" is the bad guy??? for keep repeating the mistake he had done, without a glinch of regret???

before u answer that question, imagine the 3rd surgeon operating on your mother, or your son…or even on you…

I BET U KNOW THE ANSWER….

p/s: …so, do a little favor to all of us here. The author of this post had no grudge to any 1st or 2nd type of surgeon. Perhaps the hospital admin might want to advice the 3rd type surgeon to change his attitude??

The last time I got scolded by someone because I apologized too much, is by my friend at Ramstor, exactly the previous 7 days from today.

"Ok, stop saying sorry..it’s not even your fault" , she said, when I appologized for the fact that our movies-n-popcorn thingy didnt went as we planned.

OK, lame post-starters I think. But what I want to emphasize here..is THAT IS ME.
I’m an apologizer, and felt strongly supportive towards forgiveness and apology. Isnt it what the world peace is all about?

Back then, when I was in secondary school, I used to say sorry too many times, Both for my mistakes n for other people’s mistakes.
"I’m sorry I forgot to return your notes"
"I’m sorry you felt that way about me (when someone told me that I talked too much). I’ll suit better next time"
I even apologize for something that isnt under my control
"I’m sorry our date was ruined because of the rain"

I lost count on how many people had told me , that asking forgiveness one too many times eventually will lead to degrading self-respect. Some people will take it as cool as I took it. But others tend to use that opportunity to "PIJAK MY KEPALA"

I crudely divided (but not always) people I know into two types :

Helmi’s classification on people according to their response onto my request for an apology:
1. The one that accept it with open heart, ask for an apology also, and tend to forget the dark past between us
example:
"Helmi, I couldnt ignore the fact that what happened between us is partly my fault. I have to admit it, and for that reason, I’m sorry too. Let put what past as a past, k?"

2. The one that respond in too-egoistic tone and cold reply
example (byk nih)
"Hmm…tak taula nak cakap apa.."(WTF????)
"Hmm..tak pernah org mintak maaf kat aku sebelum ni, so x taula.."
"Ikhlas ke ko ni??"
"Bukan salah ko pun…aku pun x rasa aku salah"
"Apa2 jerlah…nasib baik ko sedar salah ko"
etc
What fucking-arrogant attitude was that?

Ok, so what do I do with these people. The 1st type..everything turn back to how as it was. in a win-win situation, we live happily ever after, and never mentioned what happened back then, assuming it was a scar that mended our relationship much closer now.
BUt for those in 2nd type…..I paid more attention,and prepared to get hurt by this people for the consecutive time. Of course after the apologizing session-I still gave him/her the 2nd,3rd,4th, or dah tak taula brapa banyak chance lagi. For different people I set different limits. Sampai dalam hati aku cakap "dah x tahan lagi dah..With people of 2nd type, its always win-lose situation, with me constantly in the "losing" side.

What people usually aware is that , when I reacted in those action, I am stated as "the degil person of the year". "Lupakan je la mi, tak baik gaduh2 ni"..why do they said that to me? According to some people I knew, they tend to ask me to resolve the argument because I am more "approachable". I dont know whether I should take that as a compliment, or as something else.

What people usually DONT AWARE is the fact that ..before I reacted in those action to people of the 2nd type, I actually had said sorry to them and forgive them one too many times, until eventually they step on my head. People tend to see I hate them..what they usually dont really see is how hurted I am due to the injury he/she inflicted.Once this person "pijak my kepala" , that’s my limit. For this people, I decided it is an useless effort to mend things back, if he/she didnt aware about "their part of the mistake"

So..basically I’m telling the world out there..I actually (if any of you still didnt know, or didn’t remember) had ask for an apolog(ies) many times with him…started a new point of relationship too many times….and try to forget things he/she done too many times too.

Believe me or not, he/she never done the same thing to me, even for one single time…..

I dont like to be involved in an argument. So I decide to play it cold (not cool) with him/her. Until he/she step forward..there is really no use for me trying to mend the things back, because in the end..the ugly cycle will continue itself. I will still get hurt, and he/she will still be ignorant. Waiting sometimes is good. I’ve experimented it myself. And when we wait, and when he/she realized how hurtful things are during period of waiting, they will appreciate the relationship more…and not treat it like some kind of garbage.

I’m standing firm on this matter. I’ve aplogized for many mistakes that I didnt even make, and now I decided it his/her turn to show his/her "sincerity" whether they still want this thing to mend over.

Perhaps the "me apologizing too many times" is my ultimate mistake………

Orang yang tersilap…….
1. Mengakui kesilapannya
2. Sedia memohon maaf atas kesilapannya kepada semua yg terlibat
3. Sedia mengorak langkah pertama ke arah permaafan itu
4. Tak segan nak mintak maaf (WTH??)
5. TAK ULANG SILAP YANG SAMA UNTUK KALI-KALI KESETERUSNYA

Orang yang saja-saja silap….
1.Tak nak mengaku salah
2.Simply mengatakan kesalahannya sebab "orang lain yang salah faham"
3. MIntak maaf kepada semua yang "tak terlibat"
4. Suka sangat ulang kesilapan tu berkali-kali…sampai org lain sedar…
5. "Bangga" (dlm konteks kupasan yang lebih kompleks) dengan kesilapannya

Dalam hidup, kadang-kadang kita jadi org pertama,…selalunya kita jadi orang kedua. Tapi tak statik, sebab kita boleh berubah kepada yang lebih baik..

So there’s the 2 options…Pick your choice..

* tidak ditujukan pada sapa-sapa secara khusus..saja terbaca dan suka nak dipetik. TApi kalau terasa pedas, hmmm….pandai2lah perbetulkan keadaan

Crap…

its the last day of holiday, and I found myself grabbing more tissue paper than the oncoming exam notes. I flipped thru the thermometer reading more often than my handy notes..and obviously surfing more friendster than "Sri Volgo"

Fever have no right to come at this moment.  I mean, its exam session…and u just should let us be in our upmost fitness (duh..). But  I suppose u love me too much. Its ok, I love u too..it just that u nag me at the specifically wrong moment. So I have to get rid of u..where did I put my Chloropheniramine Maleate just now??? and where is the Twinnig’s Tea Box?

This is my secret recipe of getting rid of u. It works well since I was a schoolchidren, but recently, it doesnt work wonder that fast anymore. But then again, its my only recipe to battle u out of my system:

1. Religiously consume His-receptor blocker (Chloropheniramine Maleate, Clarinase, Clortidol, or whatever brand name out there) one tablet each 4 hours
2. Koldakt (in case I got u second-hand from Mr ORVI) & Dr Mom syrup for sore throat
3.Ensure that my stock of Strepsils, Dr Mom tablets, and other hard candy out there always available.
4.And there’s the Russian Wonder Medication. Tea with a little zip of citrus tang (a.k.a Lemon). They  swear to Lenin’s name (since they dont believe God) that Tea can treat almost every disease. Drink it, and you’ll be the glorious Soviet Servicemen. I play big money that they even use tea to treat breast cancer.’
5. Drink a regular shot of warm drink (water, coffee, etc)
6. Chicken soup (or in case it is unavailable, a self-made chicken ramen using Knorr’s Chicken Stock can always prove to be sufficient)
7. Take a bath. Whats with people who refuse to take bath when they catch a flu??? It wont make u worse, and to skip it doesnt make the flu goes away. Only other people will avoid u.
8. Pretending to be healthy. Work wonder. Go walk around the block. See people from room to room, watch movies and study a little. It not only makes u feel great, it also ensure that u are not the only one who will suffer from flu by transmitting it to other people : ) (hahahahahah!!! evil laugh)

Ok..thats it..Im rantling too much here. Now… where’s the Kleenex ????

Had a New Year celebration with my frat’s bros..so dont have the time to post up new blog concerning the 1st day in 2007. So, while it seems a li’ bit late, and the theme is profoundly boring..I still decided agaisnt all odds that Im gonna write this post.

So..the annual question that somehow will pop out from everyone’s mouth (but certainly forgotten within the next month) was "WHAT"S YOUR NEW YEAR"S RESOLUTION???"

I…for starters…dont do RESOLUTION. I mean, I dont even got the meaning of it (OK, stop wiki-ing it for me). Of course I know what the heck was that, but the thing is, I’m not sure whether it’ll work for me. I mean, I still havent done my resolution which I set up 4 years ago !!!! (dont ask me what it was)

So, I’ve decided, that this year, I’m gonna live along the flow of life. Not going to swim against it. I’ve swam long enough, and now, I’m exhausted. Maybe this years should be the year for me to lay back, and do what I need to do, instead of finding something to be done.

But in the end, I do have one resolution(If it can be called as one). I’m gonna do less-talking and more-observing. SOmetimes observing can be fun too especially when the scene is about a Russian girl with high heels trying to balance herself on the icy,muddy road of Volgograd.

I’m saying hello to life, and now is canoeing along the stream (yeah..actually I dont swim…no scrap that. I cant swim). It seems a lil bit bumpy ahead, but thats ok. I just wish I wouldnt have to meet a waterfall anytime soon.