.:a sUdDeN sLiP:.

I couldnt find the word before this…but it keep haunting me..

until today, I heard it…

the word that really describe how I feel right now,

"тревога"

literally it would be translated as "Alarm"

I call it "severe pessimism"..or at least that what it is supposed to sound in English..

Its the state when you wait, you expect, or maybe you even hope for something bad to happen.
You dont even know what the hell is it, and you dont even know how bad is it…or whether you can fix it..
but u just had this feeling, and you keep looking over your shoulder, calculating every steps, and watching out every corner..
its as if u’re being careful, but in the same time u dont want to be careful, because you wish the bad thing will come soon, relieving you from the pain of "expecting it"..

you feel that when it happened, you totally deserve it. you feel purified. you feel clean. you feel as if you got a salvation.

and so u keep waiting. Your heart beat fast whenever your mobile alarmed you for an incoming SMS. You opened the inbox with thumping chest. When somewhat called you, you cannot help but feel suffocated, just to hear what he/she gonna say. When someone called you up, you hesitate to pick up the phone, or you might even shut your eyes, and hold your breath when the caller said "hello"

so you find comfort in "expectation". U wish, that if you expect it earlier, so when the real bad thing happen, you’re not going to be so devastated.

cold sweat on your forehead, your eyes fixed to an imaginary point, your mind focused on emptiness, and you find yourself clutching your hand so tight it starting to get cyanotic…

the phone beeping again.
u wish u dont have to look at it
u wish u dont have to pick it up
u stay there, hoping that you’re in some comatose stage, where you dont have to do what you should do..

but your hand excel itself as a traitor to your mind, The reflex action of grabbing the cellphone and pushing the button deny the safety and comfort of silence your mind had wished for long…

and then it occured to you…
no matter how you expect it…
no matter how you think you are well-prepared for it…
no matter how much adrenaline you pump….

you are going to be defeted this time….

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 at 2:03 pm and is filed under slipped out from my mind. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.