.:a sUdDeN sLiP:.

A very happy birthday to the ol’ Persekutuan Tanah Melayu, the original Malaysia that we had today, as it established itself into nationhood at this date, 50 years ago..

Together with it, it forms one unique nation that consists of different individuals with various customs, beliefs, and faith, and hold this mixing bowl together with the idea of harmonious, multicultural country.

As the rest of Malaysia carry itself into another year of independence, I questioned myself whether I am able to carry myself forward as well. I asked myself whether I, as an individual,  is free at its purest meaning…

Cant say I am. While Im proud of being Malaysian, Im still not proud enough of having Malaysian artist song in my Ipod. I, like most of us, would prefer Grey’s Anatomy more rather than Gol N Gincu, and, at the corner of my heart I felt sorry to our ancestors as I see what had become to us, the so-called future generations.

While I am no good person myself, I cant help myself from feeling like throwing up whenever I read those bad news about Malaysian in newspaper. The baby-dumping incident had not yet finished, then came the idea of Malaysian employer beat their housekeeper till death, and not to mention the various sad story being shown in BersamaMu which always got myself to type up one or two SMS(es).

Are we really free? Independence should be carried with us together with upmost feeling of humanity and morality. We might had the tallest-building in the world, or even the "SMART"est tunnel, yet at the other end, our moral value keep declining.

Happy 50th Merdeka to Malaysia, may it bring to us another level of morality to be upheld high, and then I can really be proud for myself to be born as a Malaysian.

for illustration only *wink*

I’m staring at my ceiling.

Its 2 am n Im staring at my ceiling.

Its dark, n its 2 am, n Im staring at my ceiling..

I try to count times..and memories..both happy and sad,…both beautiful n tragic…both worth remembering, and even the one that worth being forgotten…

I try to grasp something. Something solid within the dark. Something that I can hold onto. But the only thing I could feel is your shadow, n even that didnt last long, as since there is no light, the shadow diminishes into the black darkness.

Then I felt struck by guilt. The guilt that come in consequence of the path that I choose. The path that bring us both closer and far more apart at the same time. The guilt that came along with the hidden secret I keep my whole life, the one that threaten to rupture itself everytime I look at you. The one that make my whole body numb and shaking everytime I think about you. The one that gave me goosebumps whenever I heard your voice even from the other side.

I feel I should be sorry for dragging you into this uncertainty..
…except that I’m not..

So, now, right now, at 2 am, in the darkness, staring at the ceiling, there’s nothing in this world I wish more than your voice telling me its safe for me to fall asleep..

p/s : less than 24 hours before officially declare self as 5th year suck-up medstew

5 years ago, before I left for Russia, I’ve told you this..

I’ve told you how I hate Silence. Yes. The ugly, soul-killing silence. When its a total space around us, without any other noise except for the subsonic buzzing we keep hearing hitting our eardrum.

Looking around my room now, with my roommates still hadnt yet arrived, there is no other way I can describe the haunted feeling that wrap around me now.

Its here. Silence had came. And she brought with her the homesickness and unrealistic wishes (like I wish I could teleport back so I can nook beside you)

whatever nook means though

its 2 days before I start my sucking life as a 5th year medstew ..hehe

I’ll be leaving my home in another 20 minutes

last tribute from Malaysia…mom, dad, bro n sis, and to all my lovely friends

thanks for spending your time with me, and for all the sweet memories and all, I’ll cherish it for another one year

bon voyage…

its raining cat and dog outside…
no, there arent any of the feline members, it just meant that its raining heavily outside..

time passed too quick, that is what all medstew on holiday will tell you, am more people feel sorry and regret that they didnt do much…

I’m , in the meanwhile, dont feel that much regret, since my schedule is full with craps and junks activities. And in the end of the holiday, I suppose I can say, I had it well..

…very well, too well indeed when I found out what hidden beneath you and me all this while..

and the regret is still there, of course, since it is too short, time is too short, and life is too short. and all the while we meet each other without knowing what really lies within us. We lie (or maybe it just me)to each other about our platonic way of thinking. We ignore the spark that lit when we caress each others heart through our eyes..

but this last moment, this last days of my stay here, I wont spend a single minute without you, eventhough it only means that we met each other in the silence of our day dream..

I am tampering with a dangerous thread, I know, that can either tug our heart together, or break loose and destined us to be apart…..

IF….

…..I got goosebumps, just when we accidentally touch each other

…..my face flushed when you tug my shirt

…..I missed your perfume all day

…..the sound of you breathing keep playing in my mind

…..by the mention of your name, I felt safe and secure

…..by staring at your eyes, I felt heaven had descend

…..by watching you walk, it seems like you are dancing

…..by reliving your smile, it enlighten my burden

…..I still felt your presence although we were miles apart

If…all of these are the signs of love…

Then, I am indeed in one….

Mood : disappointed, tired,

A friend of mine once told me that I have a gift , an ability to join up people from every corner of life, mix them up in a bowl, and it will just….work

I wasnt very sure if that was a compliment…

Recently, more and more thing within and around me started to broken into pieces. A new one broke into a large pieces, while those old stuffs I used to carry now broken even more into small crumbles.

I just wish I could release them all from my grasp. To let all of these pieces fell down or blown by the wind. And Im not just, simply, wishing. I wish hard. Hard enough that it got into my dream..

And that is where the line all began…

In reality, I am expected to hold everything together. When there’s two people close to me arguing , I am expected to mend them back. A disagreement, an issue of disloyalty, trust, and everything else ugly. People just thought that I can glue them all back into one beautiful piece of art and then paint them down to make it more cheerful..

Which I have - at least until now- successfully did. I learned how to put a sweet face in front of a heated argument. I pretend to be neutral although I tend to pick and choose side. When two people arent talking, I managed to be the bridge that connect them. And I thought it all worth it….for a better cause..

But its just too much now. Everything that I’ve been managed to held together start falling into pieces. I am using (and I am, I really am) my full strength to embrace everything, and give each of ‘em a touch of hope, trust, love, the belief that good thing still exist in this world..

Until I ended up unable to embrace even myself….

Link: Image:EagleSquare.JPG - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

Will be leaving to Langkawi in less than few hours, of course had told parents
but still felt guilty about it since can read dislikeness on mom’s face when she thpught I aint going back to Penang with her this Friday..

Told her I’m going to make it but she worried Im going to be too tired. Well, its not me who gonna drive the car anyway

So anyway, still not packing. Unsure what to bring, and more importantly, am not really sure how mom n dad feel about this. But Dad have cancelled our family trip for the next week (in accordance to his work of course), so try to calm self by telling am deserving this….

Ok, self-talk no longer working. Need to pack. Now.

1st thing.umm…medical dictionary?

…when my bro’s car’s radiator suddenly blow, right in the middle of
slow-going traffic in Petaling Jaya!!! Within seconds, smoke was
sapping out from the front bonnet and filled the area.

(at this precise moment,I actually try to took a picture, before my
bro’s said that I better get my ass out or the street would be enjoying
the smell of "kerbau bakar" - he did call me a kerbau??)

anyway..it was serious enough as the tube connecting the radiator with
the &*^* ^*%* (I dont know shit about car) actually blow up,
dripping all the coolant fluid onto the street, causing the engine to
be overheated..Thank God the BMW didnt explode or set on fire like my
bro imagine it would be…Huh, we do have to respect the Germany

So, what would u do when your car blew up in the middle of Damansara
traffic lane, in the middle of hot afternoon, with each car that passed
by honking and showing u the F**k sign?

Exactly, Stand up straight with innoncent-looking face and drenched one shirt with sweat..

And our hope for anyone to stop by and lent us a hand actually took
more than 20 minutes to materialize, as a Chinese guy slow down in his
Waja and offer to take me to the nearest workshop. I accept his offer
though a little bit skeptical imagining that this guy must know someone
in the workshop, but it turned out that he’s a total stranger. That
made me feel embarassed of myself…

Anyway, its not easy in the workshop, since the mechanic is a talkative
attention-seeking guy and keep asking me different question like ,
what’s the model of the car, which part blew up, whether the radiator
still working, and bla bla bla ..I try to reach my phone and call up my
bro (who at this time is still standing on the road ignoring all the
F**K sign he got) but just then I remembered that I had just gave up my
PDA to the HP office earlier to service (read my previous post about my
PDA)

I have to describe the location of incident, and thankfully its not
that far. THe BMW manage to make the short trip to the workshop, and
after a few hours they have replaced the whicheverpartthatblewoff.

Anyway, it spoilt most of my plan for the day, and here I would like to
send my sincerest apology to Zamir who have waited for me like for
hours in Time Square and ended up watching the movie alone. I’m so
sorry I wished I could call u earlier but without my PDA, and with all
the hassle going on, I had only managed to call him after all things
settle down..

here is the pic of my bro’s BMW, now safe within it sanctuary (yes, thats my house we’re talking about)

I shall be leaving to Langkawi in less than 48 hours,…

and I still couldnt find a way how to tell my parents ..

its kinda hard since I was labelled "tak lekat kat rumah" recently