.:a sUdDeN sLiP:.

Finally, it is Saturday..
Holding nothing in my hand, I grasp this air of emptiness, lying silently on my bed…watching the moon outside the window..

and this..this is my great escape..

Panick start rising..and I felt my chest strangled with something, and before I knew it, I actually stopped breathing…

..then I woke up, in the middle of the night, with the only thing next to me is the infinite deafness and darkness..

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The past few days, I am just not I am..
those who have been my friend long enough could really tell that, it is just not..
I was not who I used to be…
and yes…it is not who I am..

It just…who I choose to be (at least for the meantime)

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I used to believe in people. I used to believe in all good thing eventhough I never rejected the fact that we live in a chaotic world. I believed, at the end of the horizon, there’s always a silver lining…

..and when I realized that not everyone could reach that silver lining, I satisfied myself with simply hoping…hoping that one day I could be among the choosen one..

Thats what keep us humane. Thats what keep us sane. Thats what move us (or at least me) forward.
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When you pull a hope out of someone, you’ve actually commit a crime. And a large one out of that. U pull him out of his belief, out of his faith, out of his only means to get through this hectic life…

You turned him hopeless, and before you knew it..he would live..as a different person..

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Surely its not fair to blame u. There’s my part that should be blamed as well, like..why the hell I put on such high hope on you..

But of course, I’ve never asked for this to happen. I actually wish it never occured to me before. I had practically prayed once that God would turn me into someone numb. One without feeling. One who is indifferent to everything around him…

Only that I believe it never reached Him………….

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He wish he could turn to someone / something before its all too late….

..you all…

yes, all of you that got one of those unlimited internet tariff out there..

whether it is 128, 256, hell even 64 can soothes this little heart of mine who keep dreaming of not worrying my cash to flow like water when I "once a while" click on those YouTube channel

anyway, its not like I have been sitting on my ass silently without working anything on it.I have. And I tried. Really hard at that. Except that, the final word must come from the other side, except that the other side consists of some maniac Russians who figured that once capitalism enter Russia, the only thing they have to concern about is money, while all that social responsibility is put aside…

huh…thats a long ramble for one little jealousy..

2nd week in Russia - its another world (literally)..and things keep getting annoyingly worse (n laughable for that matters)

Obliged to attend class on a Saturday (sucks) which happen to be a public holiday actually, since it is THe CIty Day (double sucks!!), the schedule cant be any worse when we even supposed to attend a lecture during the mid-day.

anyway, feeling that i should have been rewarded for being such a medgeek this saturday, I head to the nearest pizza joint for quick bite before I head to the lecture hall.

Guess what, yeah..you’re damn right..the pizza joint was actually out of pizza during the peak lunch hour (yes..Idiot!! sure, I second that). LIfe seems gloomy at that time. Until I spot a new menu, yeah!! a fried vegetable pie (ala apple pie in McD, except that it have vegetable stuffings)

Money changed, and I was ready to bite into my reward for the day when something feels wrong. The pie felt…cold…not like its’-been-out-of-the-deep-fryer-30-minutes-ago cold…its freakingly-freezingly-cold.
I dont know what I was thinking, but I actually bite into that piece of shit ..when I finally realized…yeah..

The Russians are too stupid in handling business even for a pizza joint, where they actually served unfried-pie to the customers, fresh from the freezer. Some idiot actually forget to stuff the thing into the oily fryer and decide to create a healthier menu, only it is unedible..

Anyway, of course I got my redemption back, (an overfried pie, but that is another story), after I lodge a complaint (hurrah!! now I can complaint to stupid Russian) and that is after they made a joke about the pie, everybody laughing while I had to stand there waiting for a new pie. But then Im already late for the lecture, so I decide to immerse into it with a single bite, decide its unhealthy and even tasteless, and just drop the rest into the nearest dustbin…

Hurrying to the lecture hall with the feeling of regret why I had actually step into this stupid place, I was given a wonderful surprise by our lecturer-on-call.

They are too stupid to use a phone, that after waiting in a damp, ventilation-less, packed-lecture hall, with sweat emerging from any possible sweat pore …the lecturer actually have the gut to come, smile and said these fucking sentence

"Its a public holiday, so I decide we should cancel the lecture, and let you enjoy the sunshine outside"….

bloody-hell saturday it was

When Neemo said that the Russians are freaks, wait till she experienced what happened to me this afternoon while I’m on the bus..

Whether it was my sulking face, or the fact that I listened to my Ipod attentively that people keep bumping into me on their way in/out of the bus, or the simple "recognisable" factor as I’m large enough to be aware of,a middle-aged woman suddenly tapped me on my shoulder and said something that I couldnt hear..

I wasnt in the mood to talk, but since she looked like so desperate for a short conversation, I agreed to sit next to her where for the next 20 minutes, I had regretted the decision

She started by telling me that we had bumped with each other twice today, both in a bus, and that is..according to her..a serendipity. She then told me that she studied/practiced RHYTHMOLOGY, where she learnt about signs and patterns of live activites, and how it interconnected with each other, and whether it will predict anything in the future. She then showed me her bus tickets, and summing the total no from the bus ticket series no (it totaled up to 9), she then mentioned that in the 19th (why not 9?) of September (that 9 alright), she gonna receive/read signs from jupiter, uranus, and what not…and it will give her good signs and lucks.

Introducing herself as svetlana, she then asked my name, and told me that in line with this serendipity, we both gonna have a good thing ahead of us for the next few minutes/days/months/who knows…

I would have told her, that the chances of we meeting each other is actually not that odd, since
1) she obviously seems to be returning from a meds check up, indicating that she is a regular visitor to hospital
2) I’m a freaking medstew
3) In a country where economic growth is unstable, bus is actually the MAIN mode of transportation
4) The bus is actually heading to the Med University, and she lives somewhere around the bus route

I would give the credit of timing and how out of many buses we managed to bump to each other, but other than that,I saw nothing special. Like the fact I keep bumping into any of my friends in the city centre. Its a small world..I even bumped into my friend (whom I know is studying in Moscow) in the small remote town of Rosenheim in germany…now…that IS weird…seeing someone who actually live in the same place with u aint no serendipity woman..

anyhow, due to lack of vocabs (and time) I actually only managed to smile and pretend to agree with whatever she is talking about, while she rhythmically bring the conversation into Pacific Ocean, the Atlantic and how there is channel of info exist between them (yeah, all Internet cable is actually embedded in the seabed, u get that right miss..)

It must be the conversation and how good I am in pretending to like it..that in the end, she had missed her stop…
..and I today got the most-boring lecturer to "facilitate" us in our study of "History of Medicine (read: double boring)

heh……so much for serendipity and good lucks…